Remembering when I used to cry as I watched my son sleep. Realizing he was growing and changing in front of my eyes, I would mourn the loss of my delicate newborn to the chubby 3 month old, then lose my laughing 6 month old to an inquisitive 9 month old.
Today my son is 5 and some odd months. He wears size 7 jeans that have holes in the knees and just barely reach his ankles. He is impatient and smart, tough and silly, demanding and cute, loving, strong, kind and fun. Today as I listen to him trying to make his dad laugh when he should be going to sleep, I think about the new thing I will learn about him or watch him discover tomorrow. I can't wait!
This is the status I posted on Facebook yesterday evening.
This week I had planned to write about the start of our journey in trying to conceive a sibling for my son. Instead I am enjoying the last month before starting ivf. This cycle I don't have to take pills or pee on sticks or in cups multiple times a day. I don't have to give myself shots or wonder if my mood is my own or a side effect of the medicine.
It is the end of March, almost Easter. It has been unusually sunny and dry. It feels like the start of a new beginning. I don't know if this beginning is the start of a new baby or if it is the start of what I have discovered in these last few weeks. I have found a true contentment with our family as it is. Just the three of us.
I'm looking forward to discovering what is going to happen. I know the next few months are going to be a hard scrabble. My ivf protocol involves lots of shots and exams, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be swimming in a cloudy sea of hormones. But in comparison to the last three years, it will be over quickly. I will finally be able to emerge from the grey skies of uncertainty and dwindling hope. I will get to live under the clear blue skies of spring, smelling the emerging blossoms and enjoying my life as it is, however that may manifest.
This is the calm before the storm, and though I had planned to focus on the beginning of this struggle this week, where it all started, I can't help but focus on the end. We're almost there and I can't wait!
I promise to force myself to continue the story next post.
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